How do I tell someone they upset me professionally?

This conversation works when it's grounded in behavior, not feelings about the person. Use the SBIR model — Situation, Behavior, Impact, Response — but shift the Impact step to your personal or professional experience: "Here is how that affected me and the work."

Keep the conversation in the professional lane by focusing on observable behavior rather than attributing motive. "When you disagreed with my recommendation in front of the client" is something they can address. "You were trying to undermine me" is an interpretation that shuts down dialogue.

From the iSpeak IWA framework, the goal is to create a safe environment: no sarcasm, no judgment. Lead with empathy so the other person doesn't feel accused. Your opening should signal that you want resolution, not victory.

Why it matters: Letting these moments go unaddressed doesn't make them disappear — they accumulate and damage the working relationship over time. Addressing them professionally, with structure, actually strengthens trust when done well. It signals that you value the relationship enough to protect it.

Practical Tips

Choose the right time and place. A private, calm setting is essential. A conversation like this in the heat of the moment, or in front of others, almost always escalates rather than resolves.
Use "I" observations, not "you" accusations. "I felt dismissed when..." opens a conversation. "You dismissed me when..." invites a counter-argument. The difference is subtle but significant.
End with a question. The SBIR "Response" step asks what the other person experienced or what they'd do differently. This turns a complaint into a dialogue and creates a path forward rather than just a moment of venting.

Practice Exercise:

Write out the conversation using SBIR format. Notice where you naturally drift from behavior into interpretation — that's where you need to rewrite. Then practice the delivery aloud, or with the iSpeak AI Coach, until the tone matches the intent: resolution, not confrontation.

Related Resources:

Influence without Authority Shortcut Card:

A downloadable reference guide based on our Influence Without Authority workshop. It provides a quick-reference summary of the workshop's most important influence, trust-building, and persuasion models to help you gain commitment, navigate change, and communicate more effectively across your organization. See page 2 for a description of the Empathy--> Safety--> Interest framework.

Get the Influence without Authority SCC

Blog Post by Russ Peterson Jr., iSpeak Owner and Certified Master Instructor:

3 Steps to Build Trust Through Conversation

Communication Insight

Timeless advice to help you communicate with confidence and impact.

"Perfection is a direction, not a destination."

Russ Peterson, Jr.

"You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can't get them across, your ideas won't get you anywhere."

Lee Iacocca

"People don't remember what we think is important, they remember what they think is important."

John C. Maxwell

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