How do I have a difficult conversation without avoiding it?
Avoidance is almost always a preparation problem. When you don't know what to say or how it will go, the instinct is to delay. Structure removes that uncertainty.
iSpeak's SBIR model — Situation, Behavior, Impact, Response — gives you a clear script. You're no longer walking in to "have a hard conversation." You're walking in to describe a specific situation, name the behavior you observed, share its impact, and ask a question. That's a manageable task.
Pair SBIR with the ETR model — Empathy, Transition, Respond — to open the conversation. Acknowledge what the other person may be feeling before you deliver your message. This isn't soft; it's strategic. When someone feels understood, they stop defending and start listening.
Why it matters: The conversations we avoid don't disappear — they compound. A small behavior left unaddressed becomes a pattern. A pattern addressed late feels like an ambush. The cost of avoidance is almost always higher than the cost of the conversation itself.
Practical Tips
- Prepare your SBIR in writing first. The act of writing it out forces clarity. You'll quickly see where you're describing behavior versus interpreting motive — and motive is where conversations go sideways.
- Open with ETR, not SBIR. Lead with empathy before you lead with your message. "I know this may be a difficult thing to hear, and I want to have this conversation because I respect you and the work you do" sets a very different tone than leading with the behavior.
- Name the goal, not the problem. Begin by stating what you both want: a stronger working relationship, a better outcome for the project, a clear path forward. When the goal is shared, the hard conversation becomes a means to something both people want.
Practice Exercise:
Identify the conversation you've been avoiding longest. Write it out using SBIR — just the four components, nothing more. Then script your ETR opening. If the draft feels harsh, adjust the Impact and Response language. Use the iSpeak AI Coach to rehearse before the real conversation so the first time you say it isn't the first time you've said it.
Related Resources:
Influence without Authority Shortcut Card:
A downloadable reference guide based on our Influence Without Authority workshop. It provides a quick-reference summary of the workshop's most important influence, trust-building, and persuasion models to help you gain commitment, navigate change, and communicate more effectively across your organization. See page 2 for a description of the Empathy--> Safety--> Interest framework.
Blog Post by Russ Peterson Jr., iSpeak Owner and Certified Master Instructor:
Communication Insight
Timeless advice to help you communicate with confidence and impact.
"Perfection is a direction, not a destination."
Russ Peterson, Jr.
"You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can't get them across, your ideas won't get you anywhere."
Lee Iacocca
"People don't remember what we think is important, they remember what they think is important."
John C. Maxwell
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